SPAMMER TO ME:

-----Original Message-----
From: International Monetary Committees (IMC). London UK [mailto:monetaryfinanciali@gmail.com]
Sent: 05 April 2013 18:18
Subject: DELIVERY OF YOUR DIPLOMATIC LUGGAGE 122

To Your Attention;

On behalf of the board and management of International Monetary Committees (IMC). London UK, I Ms. Christine Lagarde, the Operations Manager wishes to inform you that your boxes tagged diplomatic luggage 122 with Ref: No1226/X42/206 which was deposited in our vault for safe keeping is due for Immediate collection. Be informed that we have concluded all arrangements to deliver your consignment at your doorstep through diplomatic means. In line with the binding diplomatic consignment delivery policies, kindly furnish us with the following as set forth.

A copy of your international passport or any other means of identification as the true consignee .
The address where the above cargo/funds should be delivered to and your phone number.
List the nearest international airport to your address location.

Meanwhile, we urge you to treat the above requirement with utmost urgency to enable us dispense our duties and obligation accordingly thereby allowing us to serve you in a timely fashion. Upon satisfactory receipt of all the above mentioned, you Will be further acquainted with the detailed delivery itinerary including information of the diplomat who will accompany your boxes.

We pledge our best service at all times.

Yours Faithfully
Ms. Christine Lagarde
Foreign Operations Manager

 

ME TO SPAMMER:

Dear Christine,

I am soooo pleased you got in touch, I don't know what I would have done if you hadn’t, I was beginning to think that I would never see my precious diplomatic luggage ever again. You see, I wrote the reference number for my diplomatic deposit on the back of my hand (my first mistake) when I originally came to check my luggage in at the vaults. By the way, have you ever seen Harry Potter? I thought the IMC vaults would look much more like Gringotts bank, but to my somewhat disappointment, apart from a couple of dodgy looking secretaries, there was not a goblin in sight?!

Anyway, by the time I had filled in all the paperwork and drunk the lovely complimentary tea that your staff had offered me, my little bladder was bursting. On my way out I popped into the little boy’s room and had a wee. I say wee, but have you ever seen a race horse relieving itself? Well after all that lapsang souchong it was a bit like that, nightmare. Now unfortunately aim has never been a strong point of mine, and I accidently had a little wee all over the toilet, carpet and most distressingly on my own hand (my second mistake).

As a side note, can I suggest you get one of those new dyson hand dryers for your toilets? The one’s you currently have are a bit crap and only really succeed in blowing the smell of fart all around the toilet, just saying….

Anyway, as well being a little gross, by weeing on my hand I accidently showered the reference number off, oppsy. So I’m grateful that you took the time to get in touch as I was beginning to panic over the reference number that I had inadvertently quite literally pissed off. Anyway it’s all good now.

I am between passports right now, so don’t have one to show you, but I do have a lovely photo certificate I’ve used successfully as ID in the past. It’s me passing my Boy Scout certificate for bell swinging, the picture is a bit old but you can still make out the massive bell.

I do hope this will suffice, please let me know.

Thanks again and I look forward to hearing back from you soon. p.s. didn’t I see on the news that you recently got promoted?

A bemused @the_tiddler

I'm so sorry little one! You rightly trotted into nursery a little surprised and bemused this morning, the first one there and only freshly plucked from your bed. The experience of being woken by your father, rather than you yourself waking him up, must be novel in itself. But awaking, breakfasting, dressing, and being delivered to an empty nursery room all within the space of 30 mins must be very strange indeed. You must be wondering what you have done to deserve this treatment. Well the answer is a big fat NOTHING. I am the one who has changed the rules and for that I am very sorry. You are amazing and have not complained once. I just pray that this does not become a regular occurrence. Papa xxxx 

inside @the_tiddler's mind?

Papa tried it today, but I soon put him right. The blighter thought milk would be enough, honestly?
Today I decided to see how long it would take them to come and get me if I just started shouting. About fifteen minutes as it happens. I've managed it quicker in the past but it requires more effort and this morning I just couldn't be arsed. His first mistake was walking through the door. Does he not realise I require the MAMA first thing in the morning. The PAPA just will not do. His second mistake was smiling at me and saying "Hello beautiful, good morning". Who does he think he is?! I soon showed him. The tears were just the start, next came the screaming/moaning and finally the rolling around on the floor. Every now and then I would stop 'performing' to snatch a peep up at him, to see how impressed he must be with me. The bugger just stared down at me smiling, absentmindedly, scratching his tummy. "I'll show him" I thought, just you wait until breakfast...

My daughter can be a bit of a nutter

@the_tiddler

I am a dad and I have a daughter. She is awesome and I love her to bits but she can sometimes be a bit of a nutter. Why is it that even though pretty much exactly the same thing has happened to her at the same time, the same way, for each of the past 600 odd days, she still seems to forget everything, panic and get in a sweat about the simplest things?! Take this morning as an example. She knows because it has happened every single day that she will wake up before us and start shouting. Quietly at first, until after about 20 minutes it is just 'MAMA.. PAPA' as loud as her little lungs can shout. This has the desired effect of getting us up to fetch her milk. Now onto the milk. This I except has changed from mothers to goats (depending on the mood of the mother, I wonder if they might taste quite similar?!) She must know that after milk comes the breakfast of 'bix' the same thing she has eaten and loved for many of her little days. Why then did she almost look surprised when I placed the bowl in front of her this morning and promptly reject it? She always gets what she wants/needs. Always gets breakfast and always gets dressed. Food = not hungry, Clothes = not cold, Papa = plenty of hugs. So why sometimes kick up such a fuss?


Answers on a postcard...

All I require is your bank account and sort code?!

SPAMMER TO ME: Ms Susan Nkoyo susan.nkoyo@gmail.com via hawk.eukhost.com	27/07/2007

Dearest one.

I am miss Susan Nkoyo from ivory coast and i am contacting you because i need your help in the management of the money my father left behind before he died. The money is USD$ 5.7m and the money is lodged in a security company here in Abidjan Ivory coast.

My father used to be a very rich cocoa farmer when he was alive, he was later murdered by one of his business colleagues and now they want to get hold of his properties they have succeeded in taking taking all his landed properties and now they are after his money all i want you to help me stand as my guardian and as my  appointed beneficiary to receive the money in your country since i am only a girl and 21 yrs of age and without a mother or a father so you i am helpless, i can only seek help from a foreign country because if i do it in my country they might know.

Please i will like you to reply me so that i will tell you more about this,we need to be fast so that this money will be transferred to your account, and also get me papers to come down to your country to continue my education there.

I am waiting for your urgent reply and i will give you a call provided you give me your  phone number, and also send you a couple of my pictures if it is necessary.

I am hoping to hear from you quick.

God bless you as you wiah to help me.

Miss Susan Nkoyo

ME TO SPAMMER:

Ian Boyd boydicuss@googlemail.com	06/08/2007
to susan.nkoyo

Dear Susan, I'm sorry that you are in trouble and ordinarily I would love to help you but at the moment I have a problem with my bank account. I have recently discovered that a small squirrel has become stuck in the large door to my account and it is stuck in such a way that if I try to open the account the squirrel will be killed. I'm afraid I can't do that because I really like squirrels. I have got a man from the RSPCA working on freeing the squirrel as we speak, so hopefully it won't be trapped much longer. Good luck with your evil uncle, or whatever it was.... and actually as we are on the subject of bank accounts, because I have the small matter of the squirrel to deal with I have no money either, I was wondering if you could lend me some money until the animal is free? All I require is your bank account and sort code?

United By Place

When the time for me has come

Do not worry or suffer some

The time is not for pain or tears

But joyful memories throughout the years

Now even though my bodies gone

I’ll speak to you through favourite songs

For I remain in heart and mind

The peel of laughter, the sun that shines

The stranger’s words, the bird that sings

My spirit lives through everything

To live your life as once we did

Forget me not is all I bid

Continue with your hopes and dreams

I’ll guide you through life’s many themes

Our time will come, together we’ll be

United by place, immortal and free

© Ian Boyd 2006

You are the weakest link, your're fired!

SPAMMER TO ME:
-----Original Message-----
From: jpuras@edu.xunta.es [mailto:jpuras@edu.xunta.es]
Sent: 05 February 2012 16:00
Subject: ****SPAM**** MONEY TRANSFER REFERENCE:1110-0011

My working partner in relationship with
HSBC London has concluded that our working
partner has helped us to send you first payment of £5,000 Pounds to
you as instructed by Mr David Cameroon and will
keep sending you £5,000 twice a week until
the payment of (£820,000 ) is completed
within Eight months and here is the information
MONEY TRANSFER REFERENCE:1110-0011
SENDER'S NAME: Mike Marx
AMOUNT: £5,000
To track your funds forward money gram
Transfer agent Mr Allan Davis
Your Name.____
Phone .____
Contact Allan Davis for the funds clearance
certificate neccessary for the release of your funds
E-mail:mrallan_davis1@yahoo.co.jp
D/L: Tel:+447024070319

Best Regards,
Mr Allan Davis

ME TO SPAMMER:

Ian Boyd	8 Feb
to jpuras

Dear Allun,

I would love lots of money, what with this recession really kicking in and the cost of living increasing, thank you for selecting me. However I looked up this Mr David Cameroon fella on facebook and to be honest I don't like the look of him, I'm not sure he's trustworthy... he still has schoolboy hair and his podgy face sweats too much for my liking!

With this in mind, I would like to do business with you but I need some further reassurances on your intentions and trustworthiness.  If you can send me a photo of a polar bear drinking a mango milkshake, while standing on a surf board, balancing on one leg, whilst flipping the bird, I will know you are a decent person and would be happy to talk more.

If you cannot then I'm afraid the deal is off and in the words of my favourite made up TV presenter Lord Ann Robinson "You are the weakest link, your're fired!"

Yours Truly

Porky Pig